Welcome back. Hopefully you have discovered some of the rules that dictate your actions and worked on adapting them and making some choices with them. Often when we face a difficult decision making time it is because of these rules and having some that completely contradict each other. Usually, we think we abide by one rule, but there is another that is hidden that keeps asserting itself in the process. To find the hidden one it helps to ask,
” What do I have to believe in order to feel this way”. If it is a conflict in your rules you can usually discover them both with the answer to this question. Sometimes just recognising the conflicting rules will help. Usually though it takes some wrestling with them and searching “which one will bring me closer to my purpose?”
It is easier to notice these conflicts in others, but harder in ourselves. One example would be a work at home mom who says they feel quilty for not contributing to the family more. I of course know she means contribute to the financial bottom line, but also this comes from on one side a rule that says providing a nurturing environment for her kids is important however, there is another rule telling her she could be working for pay might be more helpful. On the other hand we have mom’s who work full time outside the home and feel quilty about it. Understanding this is a very complicated issue in our world today and not oversimplifying it, but really acknowledging the conflicts and learning how to look at them honsestly and knowing how to adapt the rules for the life we are wanting is life- changing. Getting rid of the guilt or feeling “less than” is crucial for feeling successful in our lives.
For me, I have a need for independance as well as a strong need for connection. This often leads to some conflicting rules. I discovered my “I want to grow by challenging myself and being all I can be” would conflict with “I want to be loved and share experiences”. (Actually these two came after some soul searching and adjustments. They were something like- “I don’t want to feel lonely and left out, so I can forget my goals and go for yours”and a “I don’t need anyone and can do it myself”- Yes these do sound like rules of a youngest child LOL) Still I can make these a little more workable with knowing they are not mutually exclusive- ” Sometimes I can pursue my plans and desires on my own and other times pursing a goal with another can be fun too”.
Now it is your turn. What frustrations or conflicts are you feeling and what possible rules are feeding them. Can you adjust and adapt them? Would you be willing to share them here with others?