Today, I sit in my favorite spot on top of my favorite waterfall. The water level is less than it was only a few weeks ago when I had such an amazingly fun time. I am also aware that next month there will possibly be no refreshing water at all cascading over these rocks. It is a challenge to enjoy the deliciousness of this moment and to accept what is true at this time, in this place. The sun, the breeze, the birds and the cool water all provide a banquet for my heart and soul.
I went for an annual exam at the doctor. I like to hear everything is ok and working as it should. Only, not this time. Hmm… what’s this lump. Of course it is a lump, why did I not notice it myself? Which led to another appointment, another test and then yet another. And the expectation of more to come. Words we really do not want to hear from someone in a white coat. Not what I had in mind for my summer plans. I can take this moment to stay here, accept what is truth and not fight it, yet not make it more than it is. I know I am stronger than I feel.
I can remember back so very long ago a situation with a tumor which grew to be as large as my unborn baby. The fear and struggle from that time tries to fill my heart and soul. I have to remind myself, “This is now, not then.” I am in such a different place. Of course, I can remember the good lessons from that time- love myself, love others, don’t sweat the small stuff , keep a sense of humor and stay in the moment- don’t get ahead of yourself. I just have to look at my amazing 6′ 5 son to remind me of the miracle of that time.
So, here I am in this moment. I am free to choose courage over fear. Acceptance over striving. Peace and grace in this moment. I can enjoy and celebrate all the love and support from family and friends. Decisions will need to come. Summer plans and goals will adjust and change. Tomorrow, I will deal with what comes my way in the strength of that moment and the next and the next. I will gratefully return to my waterfall perch in times when I need to refresh, renew and remind myself to accept and thrive in this moment. There may be an abundance of water or none at all, but still I can choose to embrace this time. Kind of like my life at this moment.
How can you embrace this moment for yourself?
Last year for Mothers Day, we took Clay’s mom out to eat. With her flowers and card, she told everyone it was her birthday. We went with that. It is a good memory in the midst of that season. This year she has passed and we find ourselves with no mom in the family. When my mother died a few years ago, I was surprised by the strong orphan feeling. I am an adult and been successfully navigating my life for many years but when faced with the reality of both parents leaving this earth, it was an odd mix of responsibility and neediness. Now with my husbands family gone, we are it. The patriarchs of the family. It is strange with no family standing between us and the end of life. Whether we have had great relationships or struggles, there is something comforting about that buffer. Even when I remind myself -this is normal life changes and seasons, it feels odd and unnatural. Embracing this new season and acting on my decision of what do I want this time to look like and feel like for me helps to make it more normal. What legacy do I want to leave in this world? Am I making steps to make that happen?
Then, we are faced with a holiday reminding us of what we are missing. Normally, I say look at what you have in your life rather than focusing on what is missing. However, Continue reading “Mothers Day When We No Longer Have a Mother….”
We were driving home from a very frustrating doctors visit, with a doctor who knew little about dementia or how to deal with a dementia patient. I was looking for assistance with home health for bathing and medication for her anxiety. Instead, I came away with paperwork on cooking for a patient with high-blood pressure… sigh. My mother-in-law had already forgotten about the traumatic visit and was distracted by the huge cumulus clouds banking all around the sky. Suddenly, the sky opened up to a huge downpour. The rain was so heavy and strong even the wipers on full blast could not keep up. It was a bit terrifying for me, who loves storms, trying to see and keep on the freeway. She was in quite a panic. Then she asked, “What did I do to deserve this?” Continue reading ““What did I do to Deserve This?” How our questions influence us forever.”
Knowing my hundredth post was coming up, I have been thinking of what would be most important to write about. Many ideas came to mind, but none that sounded really perfect for celebrating my 100 blog milestone. That is when it hit me— Of course– Celebrate the Milestone!!!! Hooray Hooray! Time for the happy dance and confetti! Continue reading “Blog Post #100 – Yippeee!”