Mothers Day When We No Longer Have a Mother….

Last year for Mothers Day, we took Clay’s mom out to eat. With her flowers and card, she told everyone it was her birthday. We went with that. It is a good memory in the midst of that season.  This year she has passed and we find ourselves with no mom in the family. When my mother died a few years ago, I was surprised by the strong orphan feeling.  I am an adult and been successfully navigating my life for many years but when faced with the reality of both parents leaving this earth, it was an odd mix of responsibility and neediness. Now with my husbands family gone, we are it.  The patriarchs of the family.  It is strange with no family standing between us and the end of life.  Whether we have had great relationships or struggles, there is something comforting about that buffer. Even when I remind myself -this is normal life changes and seasons, it feels odd and unnatural. Embracing this new season and acting on my decision of what do I want this time to look like and feel like for me helps to make it more normal. What legacy do I want to leave in this world? Am I making steps to make that happen?

Then, we are faced with a holiday reminding us of what we are missing.  Normally, I say look at what you have in your life rather than focusing on what is missing. However,

First Things First

When life gets busy and crazy with a never-ending to-do list usually I tend to roll up my sleeves and get on the treadmill and keep going and going and going.  It takes a while for me to realize I have gone too far over the edge.   Yesterday, I thought about working out.  Hmmmm how long has it been?  Over a week…No wonder I am feeling lethargic and tense. Really, I know the fact is, the busier I am, the more I need to be aware of what it takes to keep me functioning – physically and emotionally.   Just like I need to set up routines in my life to make sure the dishes are done every day and people have food to eat, I must have some routines in place to keep me balanced and energized.   Everyone is different.  For me I need to do these things every day!!

Living With Dementia

Titus and his Great Gram!

All things considered, it could of been a lot worse.  The transition of moving my MIL to my home went very smoothly.  I took her out shopping and eating while hubby and the kids worked hard and recreated her apartment in my former master suite.  On bringing her home we just showed her, her new home.   She keeps forgetting where she lives and we have to bring her into her room over and over again.  Repeatedly, it is like she is seeing it for the first time and is happy with it and very thankful.

On this Day!

One thing we all share in common with everyone on the planet is —  We all have a mother and no one else has been with us from the very beginning of life!

On a holiday set apart as “Mothers Day” we all have different responses.  Some joy in our relationship or in our role in life, or some with grief or sorrow because of the loss of this relationship or perhaps pain from issues or hurt overt he years.  As a daughter I am aware of all of these- unmet needs and expectations and also my often unloving behavior.  As a mom, I am aware of how hard it is to be the kind of mother I desire and my falling short many times, as well as how wonderful it is when it all clicks.

As a life coach, I am very aware of how mother issues effect many areas of our life. We all struggle with the balance of honesty about our pain, acceptance of our mom’s, honor, loyalty, connection and being our own person.  Personally I am so grateful for the issues with my teenage daughter which led me to seek help and deal with my own  mother issues.  This process opened the door to a whole new way of living, thinking and feeling.  It allowed transformation with all my children, my mother and my husband and really everyone around me.  People often avoid looking at these mother issues because it is easier to bury the pain and think it is going to be painful or dishonoring to her to go there.  What I have seen so many times is by being honest and bringing these issues to light (with the help of someone trained and experienced) we come out on the other side in a true place of love, acceptance of your mom!

For today, how can you be grateful for your mom?   If not for her, you would not be alive.  The unique person you are would not exist!  This if nothing else is a cause to celebrate this Mothers Day!  If she is alive be sure to tell her in some way.  If she is no longer on this earth, tell her anyway– You can say it aloud, plant a flower, sit in the sunshine —  Life is a gift and this is a good day to celebrate it!

Rules we live by- 3

100_1190 (Photo credit: ttarasiuk)

Welcome back.  Hopefully you have discovered some of the rules that dictate your actions and worked on adapting them and making some choices with them.   Often when we face a difficult decision making time it is because of these rules and having some that completely contradict each other.  Usually, we think we abide by one rule, but there is another that is hidden that keeps asserting itself in the process.    To find the hidden one it helps to ask,

” What do I have to believe in order to feel this way”.   If it is a conflict in your rules you can usually discover them both with the answer to this question.  Sometimes just recognising the conflicting rules will help.  Usually though it takes some wrestling with them and searching “which one will bring me closer to my purpose?”

It is easier to notice these conflicts in others, but harder in ourselves.  One example would be a work at home mom who says they feel quilty for not contributing to the family more.  I of course know she means contribute to the financial bottom line, but also this comes from on one side a rule that says providing a nurturing  environment for her kids is important however, there is another rule telling her she could be working for pay might be more helpful. On the other hand we have mom’s who work full time outside the home and feel quilty about it.   Understanding this is a very complicated issue in our world today and not oversimplifying it, but really acknowledging the conflicts and learning how to look at them honsestly and knowing how to  adapt the rules for the life we are wanting is life- changing.  Getting rid of the guilt or feeling “less than” is crucial for feeling successful in our lives.

For me, I have a need for independance as well as a strong need for connection.  This often leads to some conflicting rules.  I discovered my “I want to grow by challenging myself and being all I can be”  would conflict with “I want to be loved and share experiences”.  (Actually these two came after some soul searching and adjustments.  They were something like- “I don’t want to feel lonely and left out, so I can forget my goals and go for yours”and a “I don’t need anyone and can do it myself”- Yes these do sound like rules of a youngest child LOL)    Still I can make  these a little more workable with knowing they are not mutually exclusive-  ” Sometimes I can pursue my plans and desires on my own and other times pursing a goal with another can be fun too”.

Now it is your turn.  What frustrations or conflicts are you feeling and what possible rules  are feeding them.   Can you adjust and adapt them?    Would you be willing to share them here with others?